return

7/3/21

ares found a few punk shows that were going on tonight, so we decided to go to one. i donned my miu miu dress and silly loafers with white socks and pantyhose, then sprayed my wrists and neck with jasmin et cigarette by etat libre d'orange. trying to decide what perfume to wear was quite funny; immediately drawn to my etat libre d'orange set, picking out jasmin et cigarette, archives 69, and i am trash, then laying them on the floor contemplating which to wear. i noticed that in the heat of the summer, jasmin et cigarette smells much sweeter on me, less spicy and smoky; though, still very smoky.

dough drenched in truffle oil and honey met our mouths in the sun. honey is vegan, i will die on this hill! baking in the sun, sniffing my wrists as the heat sweetened my perfume, we went to the pub hosting the bands. i felt my stomach drop as i looked at the small crowd of people outside of the door, hoping and praying i would not recognize anyone. sheepishly, i began to walk towards the entrance. two female bartenders with brightly-dyed hair asked for my ID despite my having no intention on buying any drinks, feeling embarrassed as they analyzed the photo of 16 year old me on the thin plastic card.

feel on-edge, i fiddled with my purse as ares downed his drink. my nervousness was palpable so he suggested that we move to a sit-down area, a hole in the wall with long cushioned benches under purple lights. i laid down, my mood shifting to jovial warmth as i gazed at all the band stickers covering the walls and the mirrors leaning on them. the party scene from 'regular lovers' came to mind, sofa-sharing and smoking in an opium den as 'vegas' by nico plays. i was so languid and cozy i feared the people walking by would assume i was on heroin; as paranoid as that may sound, the punk scene here is notorious for being full of junk.

wedging ourselves into the crowd, the band began to play, shouting lyrics about hating work and sordid dissatisfactory interpersonal relationships. we bobbed our heads and i listened to conversations around me while enjoying the music. so many bodies coming and going, pushing me aside, squeezing past as i stumbled. the songs were all quite short, in typical gutter punk fashion, with the vocalist ending the set by asking if anyone could house them for the night.
on the way home, we saw a very tiny horse being walked on the sidewalk in the dark..

and so the clock strikes twelve, fireworks ablaze.. the fourth of july. what a goofy holiday, with my also-goofy caring enough to remark on it in the first place. still forever recalling that maoist techno montage, that sweet, sweet, hate amerikkka beat. more cheeseless pizza, puzzle-pondering furrowed brows, and scoffing about imperialism on a wooden ledge still appreciating the popping gunpowder in the sky.

7/2/21

whole foods is such a labyrinthine mess of things i hate and things i love. mostly things i hate, no matter what nice vegan options they have. walking through aisles full of embarrassment just for being there, existing, assuming i'm in-the-way of hoity toity petit-bourgeois hippies and businesswomen. sighing, longingly staring at strawberry kefir.

i have watched many michael heinrich lectures on the labor theory of value today while eating bagels covered in oat milk-based butter. the butter is not very good, to be honest, but it is still edible so i can't complain too much.

watching this heinrich lecture caused me to remember a strange day from when i was 17: springtime all-nighter, eating cranberries and cashews then deciding to repent via torturous treadmill time, later getting into bed while shielding my eyes from sunlight and listening to a deleuze lecture as i fell asleep. strange times.. weird memories. 17 was such a formative age for me, probably the most formative.

7/1/21

chocolate for breakfast is such a delicious, masochistic mistake. a sense of sickliness haunted my morning yesterday after i foolishly listened to my impulsive sugar cravings and ate a few european chocolate-coated biscuits. it was too sweet for the morning, too much, and i felt clammy which prompted slight anxiety about my health. i felt sick and returned to sleep, taking a nap for a couple of hours. i awoke to ares asking if i wanted to hang out while he worked. i said yes and excitedly got ready, but still felt sluggish and overheated. i worried that i had a fever, but once i stepped outside i felt a cool breeze and realized the condo had just been far too hot and my roommate must have turned the air conditioning off, plus menstruating makes me more susceptible to heat and i can become quasi-feverish.

we went to get fresh bagels, at long last, once again! i felt so much better once in the well-conditioned bagel shop, eager for "real food" as my family calls it, differentiating what is substantial and nourishing from what is sugary and unhealthy. he spent hours working as i drifted from room to room in rotation; making seed-swollen toast in the kitchen, staring at a puzzle in the living room, lying near his desk in the foyer acting as a makeshift study, sketching with japanese ink in my moleskine in the dining room under a chandelier, and on the cycle repeats.

i chose to not spray myself with perfume before leaving my place, because i was still nervous about potentially getting sick and didn't want to overwhelm my senses, and i was running short on time while getting ready anyway. once settled in at ares' place, i sprayed princess by kilian on myself while hiding in the foyer with my purse beside the shoe rack by the door. ares walked in and told me he could smell my perfume from the living room, which deeply embarrassed me, but he insisted it was a good thing since he really liked this particular scent. i just don't want to be obtrusive, even if positively!

his parents went to sleep and i continued my repeating cycle of room-hopping until he finished up all his work. we watched star trek together, data and others went through a revolving door which led them to a las vegas casino filled with non-human, human-like entities mimicking scenes from a book.

blood lovingly spilling into plush white towels atop downy blankets clinging to me! lovingly, lovingly!

before leaving his house, we saw a firefly on his front porch step, glowing so brightly and beautifully. we both crouched down to admire her light, fetching our cameras moments later. i quickly realized that she was stuck on her back, so i flipped her over right as ares had leaned down to take a photo of her glow. eek! my apologies, i acted too quickly and impulsively.. but i needed to save her! precious lightning bug. on the ride home, he played 'hungry, so angry' by medium medium as we sang along.

i shared some canned fish review videos with george which triggered a craving in him for fish and chips. he's been meat-free for a couple of years, but those videos led him to actually walking off to get fish and chips! he referred to fish as "sea bugs," and despite my opposition to meat-eating and fish farming, i couldn't help but find it a little funny, no matter how much my veganism disapproves. i joked with him about eating sardines with him if he comes to america. this led to us and our other friends fantasizing about him visiting, which we do pretty often, though it usually ends in him saying he wants to wait before ever seriously considering it. this time, however, we actually put our desire into motion.
since abe has just moved to atlanta this week for school, he will be within reasonable driving distance from me, ares, tib, and alex. we plan on visiting him next month before his classes start, and huck is going to fly out from san francisco to come as well. we tried talking george into visiting next month, and he was tempted, but ultimately skeptical that we could sort everything out within a month. but, december! december, december, december! he will come in december! we have spent today discussing the logistics of the trip, and more people are now involved. we'll be renting an airbnb for about 8 people, some might choose to stay at a hotel, and one or two people could end up staying at abe's place, but i think we have a pretty solid plan so far. we'll all be chipping in some money to make things easier, and i plan on being the one who buys us groceries.

dreaming of reading bataille's poems in a wintry park and singing hymns, sake warming throats and raw honeycomb gracing our tongues, expired film capturing bloodied wedding dresses frolicking in realtime, cigarette smoke twirling above our heads in parks outside art museums, blushing as we all become our own karaoke idols, cheeky new years mischief.. i cannot wait! i am so excited!

6/29/21

at long last, grocery time. i am so excited to begin eating healthily once more! i walked to publix earlier and bought spinach tortillas, dried kale, a protein shake, vegan cheese, european dark chocolate-covered biscuits, and baby spinach. i'll likely walk to publix again tomorrow to get more. it's a real pain to carry more than a couple of bags of groceries back home.. i have been far too restrictive and cruel to my body as of late--i need proper nourishment.

i sold another perfume from my collection, versace bright crystal absolu. i had no use for it whatsoever since it either gave me a migraine or i was utterly anosmic to it, with no in-between. the peony note is so sadly painful to me, and i've realized this is a larger overarching issue regarding peony in general for me. it's screechy and sharp, like a knife to the nose. without failure, upon smelling a prominent peony note in a fragrance, my eyes water, my head hurts, and my nose runs in such a peculiar way. it is not a classically stuffy, sniffly nose run, but rather, liquid simply leaks out of my nostrils involuntarily, sliding down my philtrum and upper lip. i wore eclat d'arpege by lanvin yesterday and ended up having to change my shirt because i was suffering so much.

blessed by thai food this evening.. it was lovely, but i became full awfully fast because i had eaten a few cookies before he picked me up, despite the fact that i hadn't eaten anything else before that. i stopped eating halfway through my meal and spent the rest of the time at the restaurant discussing cognitive behavioral therapy's flaws with ares.

do son by diptyque on my wrists, currently listening to 'hungry so angry' by medium medium on repeat.. ares showed me this song, he knows my taste and sensibilities so well.

i drew george with my laptop's trackpad in ms paint, instead of just using my digital pen or doing it on paper, and now my fingers are hurting a bit, along with my uterus, for reasons unrelated to the drawing, of course. i wish george would come to america. maybe sometime later in the year once it cools down. he is one of my best friends, i would have such an absolute blast with him. it saddens me how difficult it has been for him in the past year and a half to cope with certain things. i love talking to him, i click with george and i'm glad to be his friend.

tib met a woman on the train ride up to connecticut to visit his old friends. they got along quite well and he ended up getting her phone number after hours of talking and sharing food.

6/28/21

my roommate allowed some of his friends to stay at the condo for the entirety of the weekend. he told me it would be preferable if i left, so i spent the past few days with ares and his family.

recently, i watched 'the exterminating angel' by luis bunuel. fantastic, i'm sure i would have liked it even more if i hadn't been so tired. ares said that it's like bunuel treated the insufferable bourgeois characters like sims, freeing the servants then toying with the fat cats accordingly, providing them with the worst punishment imaginable: actually having to be around one another! settling in, i ended up watching 'the discreet charm of the bourgeoisie,' also directed by luis bunuel, this past weekend. ares fell asleep and missed most of the film as i laid on the sofa. i began to feel myself fall asleep towards the very end, truth be told, as the dream sequences in the film went on a bit too long. despite this, i enjoyed it immensely and want to rewatch it already.
i think george would like it quite a lot, especially the scene in which one bourgeois character tells the worst of them all that, astrologically, he is a man worthy of respect, making his own morals in his own world. george hates astrology with such a fiery passion, it's quite funny and endearing how angry he can get about it. i understand, really, at least lately i do, even if i still find full natal chart readings to be interesting. i simply have no interest in reified consciousness lately, though. for good reason, of course!

ares he drove back from work to pick me up, handing me the fanciest chocolate bar i've ever laid eyes on. 86% dark chocolate with popped quinoa and blueberries! i ate several pieces while still in the car, sharing with him as we talked on the way to his house.
i read books on perfume while sitting at the dining table, periodically stopping to sketch in my moleskine, while ares worked at his desk. my stomach ached in hunger, eventually blessed by frittatas and fried rice.
bread, the lovely staple it is, always running out. we went to a bakery to replenish the house's bread supply, and stopped to get other groceries as well, feeling lost in the sea of sugar and carbohydrates in a red blouse with an ivory peter pan collar.

limerence by yves tumor clouding my memory bank's windshields, sighing as i reminisce on the good and the bad.

2000s episodes of QI hosted by stephen fry played as we worked on completing a new puzzle together. i began to cramp and feel dizzy, so i laid down, hoping and praying that bloodflow put me out of my premenstrual misery soon.

6/21/21

it's as if clouds have parted and i've regained my sense of gratitude and clarity. for one, i noticed that i have simply lost touch with mindfulness and have been far more lenient with myself in regards to negativity. repression is no good, but i should not drag others and myself down by vocalizing and obsessing over everything. people close to me know how i feel, it doesn't need repetitive reiteration. passion, consistency, and integrity can be maintained regardless. furthermore, specifically, i realized that my relentless dwelling lately was a result of [an ingrained thought-pattern which is referred to as] ocd.. so, in the moment, thinking of how terrible certain things in the world are felt not only valid but wholly justified, like a true force of good. failing to recognize the severe distress these thoughts caused me, they consumed me daily, unraveling me and clouding my vision of myself and others.

three days ago, i donned heeled mary janes with honeysuckle emanating from my skin. walking through the post office to ship delina by parfums de marly, i tried my best to maintain balance and canter my way across glass tiles. i had not eaten all day and could feel myself slowing down. i suggested that ares and i get indian food, and oh what an overwhelming menu i was graced with.. i ordered cheeseless malai kofta as my first ever indian meal. the best part of always being in the passenger seat is that the bag containing takeout boxes always gets to rest upon my lap on the drive home, warming my thighs. the food was delicious, and the amount of basmati rice they gave us was absolutely ridiculous, spilling out from a large white takeout box. the curry coating my malai kofta was so good, an orange harmony of spices intermingling to create a wondrous taste almost similar to pumpkin pie.

we watched 'the seventh seal' by ingmar bergman and i found it very touching, far better than 'summer interlude,' and nowhere near as good as 'wild strawberries.' though, it feels a bit unfair to rank them in this manner, as the seventh seal is the most existential out of these and touched me in a different way than the rest, tugging at my scrupulous heart strings. later that evening i watched garth marenghi's darkplace with him and laughed more than i had in a while.

a couple of days ago, i felt a need to see people. you know, that one morrissey line about people and lights that flooded my mind as a sappy, lonely teenager.. i asked ares if he wanted to do something, and he suggested that we go to a.. particular festival. i thought he was joking and making this festival up on the fly, but no, there was actually a festival being held with 'drip walk' and 'wave check' contests. well, of course we had to go. i messaged tib and alex and asked them if they wanted to come with us to the festival, and they immediately got ready to drive up here. tib and alex arrived to my place before ares did, so we walked to their car to sit and wait. i wore my new mary jane heels and had difficulty in keeping up with them as they walked. alex gifted me bvlgari perfume splashes, and i gave her taro mochi i had gotten for her at the international market last month when tib was going through cannabis hyperemesis syndrome again.

tea cravings, a bubbly adventure once more. alex got taro boba, as per usual, and i got thai tea. we sipped on our drinks as ares drove us to the center hosting the festival. i became so hungry, so very hungry and weak. there were a few food booths at the site which we all ordered from. ares and tib got arepas with meat, and i got an overpriced salad from a vegan joint which was somewhat disappointing. i remained hungry as we walked towards the area with the durag fest. my feet were absolutely killing me, gruesome pain panged through the balls of my feet. i tried to not dwell on feminine beauty being inextricably tied to pain, reminded of dworkin's quote about physical incapacitation being a form of feminine beauty. i was close to tears and finally decided to take my heels off and carry them around while walking in my socks. i didn't get any funny looks, but it wouldn't have mattered even if i had, truth be told.

we walked through crowds of people, taking in various scents and listening to happy people cheering each other on. incense flooded the air, olfactory hues of purple, inescapable raspberry and wafts of smoky sweet galbanum. cannabis was everywhere, wrapped in paper between strangers' tight fingers, cascading in the air, blowing into our faces directly from open lips across from us. standing in a crowd, tinkering with fooseball handles gazing up at the skillful masked inamorato and his eager hands.

dozens of people dressed fancily from head to toe walked through a parted sea of people as we cheered. catwalk steez and polyester pink flowers tucked into box braids. let the dancing begin! ares and i danced together as music blasted from speakers, while tib and alex stood completely still on their phones, to embarrassed to give into the groove. 'gypsy woman' by crystal waters got thrown into the dj mix and i reflexively grabbed ares' hand and ran towards the front of the venue to dance surrounded by more people, leaving my heels behind. we danced together, my mask concealing my huge grin, barefoot in pantyhose on the cool concrete as smoke blew through my hair, catching whiffs of dolce garden by d&g from my shirt as i moved. flawlessly, the dj transitioned to 'i wanna dance with somebody' by whitney houston and muted the music each time the eponymous hook was sang, allowing the crowd to fill in the blanks with their own cries of ecstasy on the dancefloor.

unfamiliar tracks followed, and i felt guilty for leaving tib and alex behind, so ares and i returned to them in the sidelines. alex had to pee quite badly, so we drove to a gas station with restrooms. tib and alex both went in, leaving ares and i sitting in the car waiting and listening to 'hong kong garden' by siouxsie and the banshees and laughing as i sang along. while walking without my shoes on at the venue, i hopped across concrete stepping stones and ended up jumping straight onto a jagged rock. it hurt so terribly badly, i cried out in pain and felt like my foot had been sliced open, but surprisingly no blood was shed and i was only left with a bruise.. we left the gas station and returned to the venue to dance more, this time to live performances and freestyles.

i'm thinking really hard about dancing! such a human activity, bonding through shared space and waves, the hysteric body, losing yourself in ecstasy becoming one with sound and gestures. mckenzie wark, whose writing i discovered through researching the situationist international, wrote that she feels absolutely no gender dysphoria when on the dance floor. similarly, i feel no body dysmorphia or concern for how i appear, my thin limbs flailing around in pure passion. thinking about it, it makes sense, doesn't it? giving yourself entirely to something still physical but beyond yourself as an individual. in this sense, the dancefloor is communist. ha!

alex was hungry, so i suggested we stop somewhere for food. singing-in-seat alternating between 2009 indie zeitgeist tunes and the b-52s, waiting half an hour in the wendy's drive-thru past midnight just for french fries.. i shamelessly sang along to songs while staring out the passenger window.

yesterday, board games were the highlight of the evening.. ares and i finished a 500-piece puzzle by mschf together with no reference image, the finished piece being a qr code he scanned with his phone. finishing the puzzle and scanning the qr code resulted in a chance of winning either one million dollars or twenty five cents, laughing together when his phone declared we had won a quarter. we watched star trek together and discussed our shared penchant for data. on the car ride home, i looked up lovingly at the moon and waxed poetic about it with ares. my eyes were so heavy, i couldn't keep them open. for the remainder of the ride i closed my eyes and let my head droop.

sickened to the teeth thinking of myers-briggs, astrology, and 'love languages' lately. reified consciousness as a source of stability and sense of self in a world filled with alienation, how very bleak! simply gotta resist the compulsory compartmentalization surrounding us all, no i will *not* atomize myself into various little trinkets and commodified identities! adorno was right about astrology, no matter how interesting it may be at times. scientization of social strata is a dangerous mistake. seeing conditioned social traits as immutable qualities ascribed to people at birth is where astrology, helplessness, psychiatry, and racism meet, no kidding.. and this lens can be and is often wielded as an ideological weapon which aids in conditioning people into accepting the status quo of capitalism and domestication at the hands of authority, or at least social structures and prevailing ideology.

6/16/20

drops of olene shall meet my wrists soon, shiny soft skin clinging to miu miu and shaky equine heels cloaking mimi holliday kitty cat frillies.

today, i sold my bottle of delina mist by parfums de marly. that dreaded lychee accord created with cassis, coupled with sharp peony.. confusing shipping process! label printing, weighing, measuring.. to weigh the package, i used a scale i was initially given by ares to measure 4-aco-dmt isaac sent to me, but i never ended up wanting to take any. too nervous of disrupting myself, mentally.

ares and i visited tib and alex's family a couple of days ago. sadly alex's coworkers did not come despite their being invited, too busy or tired.. we visited her workplace and i was able to meet her coworker noah for the first time. he complimented alex's outfit then paused and looked at me, saying, "i would compliment yours, but i know you already know you're cute!" i suppose i made a confused face, because he followed this up with, "do you not think you're cute?" i stammered incoherently while blushing as he told me i looked adorable in my outfit and asked if he could take me home and keep me in his closet, in the most over-the-top and stereotypically flamboyant homosexual cadence imaginable.

alex's attempts at convincing her favorite coworker to visit were fruitless, and i felt sad for her, knowing she had hoped he would come. at their house, we played cornhole, men against women, with alex intermittently shouting about detesting womanhood each time she threw poorly. i understand.. i fell into a state of sadness at one point, after several comments about my body were made unprompted by various people, ranging from comparing me to anime characters or commenting on how prominent my tendons are. why must my body beget unprompted remarks? i "got over it," at least, and we started a fire and tended to it, trying to get it bigger, but the wood was far too damp from recent rain to stay aflame. they all drank beer and photographed me holding alex's 40oz because they found the idea funny.

inside, the delicate stray kitten they recently took in sat atop ares' lap as i stared adoringly. tiny tongue lapping up milk, satiny pink toes, fine soft yellow hairs.. his name is butters! oh, butters!

on the way home, maudlin of the well played loudly as i held back tears with lights shining in my face in the dark. i sprayed princess by kilian onto my wrist and ares told me it smelled good. once i stepped through the door of the condo and made my way to my bedroom, i couldn't help but reflect on various rohmerian scenes, ah, affection and eternity.

yesterday, ares visited and i felt myself unable to talk as much as usual. he took notice of my more-timid-than-usual disposition and offered to take me to go on a walk somewhere. he drove me around and asked what i wanted to do, but i couldn't decide, i couldn't think of anything, i couldn't "impose my will." he found a nearby baseball park with a trail and we walked around, throwing rocks at metal bins and identifying fragrant flowers blooming from tree branches above our heads. oh, wonderful pink mimosa.. my shoes were uncomfortable, my skirt was uncomfortable, my undergarments were uncomfortable. i felt that sinking feeling of shame creep up again, resentful of female socialization and beauty rituals, how unfair it is. yet, i fall into it, i chose to wear these articles of clothing, conscious of how i've been conditioned but still enjoying "cuteness" no matter the pain it may entail, no matter how far from it my own vessel may feel at times.

he drove around for what felt like ages. we stopped and stood in a forbidden urgent care parking deck, cold concrete darkness with light and green vines seeping through square holes. he could sense the sadness in my eyes and asked if i wanted to go home. i said no, but i felt a longing for a different home, something else, to return to something more. is there anything more vulgar than haste? once home, i undressed and hand-washed my clothing in the bathtub with cold water, thinking of rose jam and cervical mucus.

6/6/20

two days ago i attended a per-reception dinner at a pub for a wedding. as soon ares and i arrived, a continuous stream of people greeted us, nervously giggling my head off and blushing quite hard. i kept my mask on, which helped a little, but it was funny that ares and i were the only people in masks since everyone else had been vaccinated already.

i sat by myself in a chair in the corner of the room waiting for ares to return with food as everyone talked among themselves, but soon enough people began to come over and talk to me. my body felt weak as he returned to me while his people continued speaking to me. plates of meat surrounded me and realized there was no food i could eat. having not eaten all day, my heart sank a bit but at the same time i was happy for an opportunity for self-denial. people tried to convince me to get food but i told them that i don't eat meat. the conversation shifted to ares and i each as the subject as everyone asked us how we met ("a homosexual disco-fiend from europe," i said), and what we like to do ("watch bleak films together," he said).

we met the bride-to-be's mother, and she was quite clearly drunk, speaking incoherently from topic-to-topic with a drink in hand. she looked at us in the eyes very intensely and shouted that ares and i both have hazel eyes. she grabbed ares' drink and took a sip without asking and, upon realizing it was a sour, puckered her lips. she asked where my drink was, i told her i don't drink. "oh, that's why you're so tiny!" she exclaimed while looking me up and down, almost seeming offended by me. my face contorted into an awkward smile.

ares' mother came by and she smelled absolutely divine. she spoke with ares as i zoned out and stared at gardenia bushes surrounding the pub and took in the scent emanating from both her and the flowers. "are you wearing perfume?" i asked, knowing she doesn't normally wear anything fragrant. "it's a scented lotion, i had to wear it after spray-tanning," she answered. i wasn't sure if she remembered the name and i didn't want to bug her, so i didn't ask what the name of the lotion was. i made a note in my head to ask ares to figure it out for me later, heh.. it turned out to be black cherry merlot by bath and body works.

i felt my body growing even weaker as i stood around. i was happy to meet so many people, but so drained from not having any food in my system and it being so hot outside, sticky summer humidity, blazing sun, covered in fabric from head to toe.. i walked around the pub then got into the car. i looked at the name tag i was given for the gathering and felt strange seeing my name.

yesterday before the wedding, ares changed into his suit in the middle of the parking lot. i sat alone in the dining area reading a book on perfumery and the history of the spice trade, learning about citrus oils and cinnamomum verum as ares went upstairs to meet with the groomsmen. more people arrived and eventually i had to go upstairs and find a seat for the wedding service. i cried during the wedding service, as expected i suppose! seeing the bride walk in with her wedding dress on affected me more than i had imagined it would. her entire life lead up to this moment--dreaming as a little girl of true love, wondering if her first or second boyfriends would be "the one," hoping that she can one day start a family, yearning for commitment and something everlasting.. it all led up to that one moment. seeing her happy face instantly caused tears to flow from my eyes down my face, sinking into my mask. as she and the groom exchanged vows, i felt so over the moon with joy for them, hoping for nothing but happiness for the newlywed couple. the bride was kissed and off everyone went downstairs to eat fancy fruit-tinged cheeses and berries, before a dinner which i mostly could not eat.

i gnawed on red and blue poppy petals while gazing at forbidden charcuterie cones, icing and blueberries coating my tongue. then, everybody danced.

the very moment the dancing started, i found out that lucas died. lucas.. lucas. lucas! my friend. lucas.. augh. i started to cry and felt so out of place, crying surrounded by smiling dancers and flashing lights of many colors. ares tried convincing me to dance even after i told him what had happened, and i felt like a drag for resisting. i kept thinking of how many times lucas called me in the middle of the night just to tell me how talented i was, all the time we spent talking about the evils of psychiatry, talking about guattari, talking about lucas' surfing days. i hate opiates. i hate them. i am so sorry, lucas. i am so very, very, sorry. so many people i know have died in the past few years. so many people. ares' family members approached me, asking me to dance, so many times. i eventually grew tired and plainly stated that i just found out my friend died. i was met with contorted looks and i felt terrible for being truthful. ares came over again later to try to get me to dance with him. my sobbing had stopped and i wanted to make everybody happy, so i caved in and danced. the more i danced, the better i felt, but in the back of my mind i couldn't help be aware of how terribly ironic and sad the entire situation was. people came over to encourage me and remark that it was wonderful to see me dance, nevermind the remnants of tears in my eyes, flailing around with a half-smile to 80s pop ballads and 2000s r&b trying to honor lucas in my mind no matter what i was feeling or thinking or doing.

everybody except ares and i lit sparklers outside and held them in the air, the bride and groom running under them a few times, back and forth, for photos. after that, i stood silently wearing ares' suit jacket as i listened to he and his very drunk cousins talk about cryptocurrency.
"bro, i know you got doge bro. you got doge? c'mon, i know you got doge!" his cousin shouted. i was stifling so much laughter!

in the car ride home, i went on about how DJs should simply play talking heads. ares put on 'born under punches' and we sang along. i went home happy.

5/10/21

two days ago i had a wonderful time with ares, tib, and alex. alex started her period that morning and came into the condo shouting about it, cryptically, leaving the men confused but i knew what to do. off we went to get boba tea! but only after providing alex with burgundy droplets of ibuprofen, of course.

we visited a place we had never been to before: a small, cute asian cafe in an unfamiliar area of the city. they had a variety of pastries, but alex and i didn't get any, although i felt tempted.. alex bought taro boba, and i chose jasmine tea. ah, jasmine, one of my true loves.. all thanks to jonas all those years ago, hm, it's funny. i drank jasmine tea every day for such a long time. i must get back into the swing of things! my favorite flower, undoubtedly. lately, i have been so addicted to coating my wrists in lust by lush, red-orange hues of oil smeared across my palmaris longus, filling the room with bubblegummy white floral goodness.

near the cafe was a reptile store which ares wanted to go into. we all went in together and spent half an hour gawking at all the creatures, eyeing dismembered spider limbs left in cages as food, and taking in the dirty animalic scent of the shop. lizards, spiders, snakes, and turtles--what a delight. in the back, there was an enclosed artificial pond which contained many turtles and an abundance of koi fish. i managed to find a quarter in my pink wallet and used it to buy food to give to the turtles. i shared the kibble with everyone and we all took turns tossing it into the water. sadly, the turtles didn't seem remotely interested in the food; however, the fish took a liking to nudging it around as if the pieces were beach balls!

we were stumped on what food to get. i dislike making decisions like that, since if i pick the 'wrong' option, it could mean quite a bad experience for some.. none of us had eaten yet, and alex had just taken ibuprofen at the condo for menstrual cramps on an empty stomach, which worried me, and i wanted her to get food as quickly as possible. tib mentioned being interested in ethiopian food since abe likes it a lot, so i took initiative and said we should be adventurous and go with that. he seemed hesitant due to not wanting to force his idea on anyone, but we were all open to it and i felt excited. ares drove us to an ethiopian restaurant nearby and we sat near the front door. an ethiopian woman brought us our menus. her accent was rather thick so we had a difficult time understanding what she said, and vice versa. we ordered an appetizer of injera, spongy ethiopian bread, that came with a bowl of spiced cheese curds. sharing food, what a delightful bonding activity, hands accidentally meeting, bread torn by two.. our entrees were brought out, and we dug in readily. alex and i ordered the same meal, chickpeas and lentils with injera. ares and tib ordered chickpeas and meat. the bread was wonderful! perfectly soft, and distinctly sour in a way i can only compare to sour dough. it was very porous, filled with holes which made the bread perfect for using as a utensil for scooping the spreads. we had been using forks to place the spreads onto the bread, until a man from across the restaurant told us to use the bread like a spoon. i'm glad he corrected us, haha, i wonder if some people would find it rude, but i'm grateful. despite the fact that we all adored it, no one was able to finish their food! how impressive.. incredibly filling food. delicious.
alex ordered an ethiopian coffee and it was brought to her in an adorably tiny cup atop a saucer. such a diminutive cup, with such a strong scent.. it was very obviously a potent and powerful coffee. alex's eyes lit up as she took her first sip, then exclaimed, "it's good!"

we drove and alex mentioned missing the lady who owns the reggae shop as we passed by. i did as well, so ares asked if we wanted him to turn around since it was just a bit behind us, and of course the answer was yes, yes, yes! we walked by the incense tree and its billowing smoke by the front door and headed straight for the perfume oils. since alex and i have tried so many fragrances since the last time we had visited, we were excited to compare more bootleg oils to their corresponding official scents. most of them were fairly similar, with only a couple being obviously fake. despite having a good time and enjoying the scents, neither of us bought anything, then we left.

alex and tib had to pee, so ares and i stood waiting outside of a restaurant as they used its restroom. i leaned towards him and noticed he had a grease stain on his shirt. i asked what happened, and he told me he had spilled a good amount of bootleg perfume oil on himself when alex and i were talking to each other! i sniffed the spot on his shirt and i was head over heels for the scent.. sweet white floral haze. so lovely, so nice on him, so alluring. i found myself repetitively leaning closer to him, hugging him, sniffing him more and more. he remembered exactly which oil dupe he had spilled: alien by mugler! i like the authentic retail alien, but given how wonderful the bootleg version made by a man here in charlotte with essential oils smelled, for just a few dollars.. i had to go back to the shop!

alex and tib came outside and i excitedly told them about what had happened with ares and the alien oil. we hastily returned to the shop and told the owner the story, how i smelled it on him and felt intoxicated.. she found the story humorous. i laughed with her and she looked at me and said, "you're not college, are you?" presumably as a way of asking if i was a highschooler or not..

i noticed a bakery across the street and suggested that we go there, but quickly realized that it was closed. we got our phones out and looked for nearby bakeries and found one that was about a 10 minute walk away. down the spiraling concrete sidewalks we went, crossing the street while giggling, stopping to take photos of the sunset, gazing at the skyline in the distance.. cars made thumping sounds across bumps on a bridge above our heads as we poked purple prickly flowers. once approaching the bakery, we were met with a massive line. the maximum occupancy of the bakery was 2! we stood outside for quite some time, a bit under half an hour.. standing and talking isn't so bad! i turned to the side and noticed honeysuckle woven and tangled into a fence. i stopped talking mid-sentence and began to run towards it. ares followed me and watched as i delicately took flowers apart and rubbed nectar between my fingertips to smell. he plucked honeysuckle from green tendrils and tucked them into my white lace headband as i swooned with joy.

the line became shorter and shorter, and finally, alex and i were up next. i shyly opened the door and peered into the building before fully opening it wide, as if i was testing the waters to make sure i wasn't intruding on anything. the bakery's interior was smaller than expected. my eyes were drawn to the red velvet cake.. my decision was made in a split second. alex got her card out and insisted that she pay instead of ares. after taking some time to think, she decided on getting a lemon bar and a coffee. that woman could happily sustain herself on coffee until the end of time, i'm certain.

alex excitedly suggested that we eat in a park, but that we should return to the condo first so she could get a big blanket out from their car for us to sit on. when we arrived, ares said he was going to go home since his arms were hurting due to his recent issue with nerves. poor ares.. we understood, and it was no issue at all for him to go home.

i found tib and alex around the corner and ran to them. tib drove us around as alex tried to navigate us towards a park. oddly enough, her phone took us to an area that had no park in sight. we tried to look for a different park, and yet again, nothing! then, at last, we were led to a catholic cathedral across from a fountain surrounded by grass. i hopped out of the car and instinctively walked towards the church. tib told me we could get closer to it and check it out, which prompted me to snap out of my mythological-purity-coveting daze. i assured him i was just curious and we didn't need to get closer. alex got the blanket out of the car, and it was larger and softer than i had expected. really, it seemed like a fancy duvet filled with down or some other filling! the fountain was across the street, so despite intermittent traffic, we jaywalked, or rather, jay-ran, to the other side of the road as cars sped up to scare and spite us as we laughed. i looked around and realized that the park we were in was where we had been a few weeks ago, dancing and swinging as ares played the casio after photographing tunnels. my heart swelled and i felt a longing for ares and wished he were with us. again, i felt overwhelmed with joy as i relished in the beauty of friendship.

before setting the blanket down, we walked around the park, tracing our steps from our last visit and going further down the tunnels. the first tunnel was leaking river water profusely from the sides, forcing us to run through a fountain of it to get by. graffiti on the walls of the tunnels made me feel human and reminded me of how loneliness is internal, we are really never alone, even when isolated, there are so many people sharing that experience and sending their hearts out to us even as strangers. after shouting and hooting loudly in the tunnels to soak in the concrete reverb, we made it out and found a bronze statue of a family with comically large feet. tib posed with the statue and caressed their legs as i photographed him. he had a lit cigarette in his mouth which added to the absurdity of the photo, i couldn't help but laugh as i saw it through the camera lens.

turning around to make our way back to the grassy area, we noticed a cop car was parked right beside of us and had been there as we yelled and suspiciously stood around carrying a blanket and a large box which contained my cake. we ran away and cracked jokes about police while heading back.

alex spread the blanket across the grass as i took my clunky shoes off. i was the first to sit on the blanket, my feet being tired from so much walking. tib and alex joined me, and i played music out loud on my phone: julie profumo by cleaners from venus, when you are sad by pasosh, cherry-colored funk by cocteau twins, pull my hair by bright eyes.. not a single star in sight, yet the night sky was filled with grey-orange clouds resembling brush strokes. light pollution, sad but strangely beautiful in its own sordid ways. i opened my box from the bakery and bit into my oversized slice of red velvet cake using only my hands and the thin sheet of wax paper which came in the box. alex and tib took photos of me as i held out my piece of cake towards their cameras, flaunting the delicacy with pride. unfortunately i had a pathetic appetite, only able to take a few bites before putting the slice to rest in its box, a funerary ritual for sweetness.

tib took several drags from his THC pen and laid down on the blanket, looking up at the sky. he spoke about familial traumas with alex chiming in occasionally to attest to his stories as i intently listened, fiddling with my skirt and stroking the blanket. alex spoke about their father and how much he's changed throughout the years. she resents the fact that tib was able to have more time with him when he still acted like a dad than she did. one minute she decried her father's alcoholism, the next she expressed her non-pathological love for the taste of alcohol and how much she adores manischewitz. i told her that i believe in her ability to not go overboard with psychoactive substances of all kinds, then tib began to talk about his own addiction to cannabis and cigarettes, along with his experiences with cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome.

a party was being held by a neighbor of mine, in front of tib's parked car. in their window appeared a lanky man dancing his heart out, surrounded by flashing green and purple lights while music loudly played and people occasionally cheered. i felt an affinity with him, human and happy.

5/7/21

the day after tib's birthday, ares and i drove about half an hour down to south carolina to have dinner with him, alex, and their family. driving near the carolinian border is always a tad surreal for me, in how nostalgic it is. as a child, my mother would always take us down to south carolina since my hometown is near the border and there was never anything to do there. seeing the roller coasters at carowinds in the distance gives me slight goosebumps every time.

rambunctious rooster, cawing loudly when we arrived even though it was afternoon. they've been trying their best to adjust to the south, but they said they still experience culture shock on a regular basis. alex has been called a yankee by customers at work, which i found somewhat funny but she was deeply offended by it. i understand why she took offense, i've just grown up with the word being thrown around a lot, and it's never applied to me. some of what they all complained about regarding the south saddened me because really it was all about poverty--stupidity, dirtiness, small houses. apparently, it's very uncommon for houses in new england to only have one floor.

ares went into tib's room as alex and i tested perfumes by her bed. ares came in right as alex was grabbing her guitar, so he went out to his car to get the casio. i sat idly but in awe as alex strummed away, but she periodically stopped to insult herself and mention that she hasn't practiced enough.
once alex was done playing guitar, tib showed me his room. he had records laying on his bed, strewn about after showing them to ares. in a cubby built into his desk sat a plush duckling that had to have been at least 20 years old. my heart was warmed by the sight of the peep. he said he keeps the stuffed animal there instead of sleeping with it in bed to protect it from wear and tear. he was excited to show ares the electric car his family has, so we all got into the car and tib drove us to alex's work. she opened the cage that contained bunnies and held them for me to pet. so soft.. fine satin gossamer.. the most divine fur imaginable. spun silk. their eyes, oh, such beautiful large eyes! children entered the store as alex was opening and closing the cages, but she wasn't in her work clothes, so they asked her if they were allowed to open the cages too. she happily opened the cages for them and held the bunnies for them to pet. very sweet!

dinner was finally ready; their mother made the dinner entirely vegan for my sake, bless her heart.. sweet potatoes, spinach, pecans, cranberries.. alex excitedly poured us all glasses of rose wine and brought them to us. i couldn't have more than a few sips due to the taste and the fact that i'm afraid of alcohol, so ares finished mine for me. as we ate, their mother told us stories about her days in unions and PTAs.

ares drove us to QT, on a mission for donuts. being in a car at night on the way to a gas station to get donuts with friends while listening to fad gadget is a sublime experience. when we walked into the gas station, it felt like we were in that galaxie 500 song about buying twinkies from 7/11 while on acid, 'strange.' tib got 3 donuts for himself, while the rest of us got 1 each.
we brought the donuts back to the house and spent the next few hours sitting around a fire and tending to it while talking as alex played songs by lizzy mercier descloux and the cars. tib talked to his mother about psilocybin, finally confessing to her that he's done various psychedelics. he was afraid she would be upset, but she said, "i don't care," haha! later that night after we had left, tib told me that his mother said "now that you've told me all that, i get to tell you i did coke and speed in high school!"
we all took turns throwing pinecones, pine needles, and blocks of wood into the fire. i had a grand old time with this, really, it felt so fulfilling on a primal level.


i ate falafel pita wraps with ares in a park yesterday, downtown. he called various doctors as i nibbled at my meal and looked at dogs all around us. on our way there we saw a beautiful brown bunny that i managed to snap a few photos of.

4/30/21

shared arepa cravings, ribbons of steam floating from hot bread, burnt tongues laughing together, spiting dragon breath.
matcha eagerness.. alex and i wanted to go to the matcha cafe we had been planning on visiting. it was half an hour away from the restaurant, so we decided to not go just yet. instead, we went to the mall. i was excited to go to lush, but when we were in the mall, ares and tib wanted to go to the container store. of all things! the store dedicated to containers.

alex and i went into lush together and a woman poured heaping globs of hand sanitizer into our palms--the most sticky, tacky hand sanitizer ever.. it really felt awful, but neither of us made a big deal out of it. we beelined to the perfume and she bought me the solid version of lust! i felt terrible, truth be told, not because i don't appreciate alex or i resent her efforts to be there for me, but simply because i don't want the possibility of being a burden on someone. a little overwhelming, it is.

alex and i went into nordstrom and tested perfume together as tib and ares sat taking outside the store at a table. alex really wanted to buy a diptyque perfume but resisted, then fell in love with a new elderflower scent by jo malone, but sadly they were out of stock! heh, she ended up buying it online as soon as she got home.

abandoning the mall in pursuit of matcha, we hopped in the car and on our way we went. alex and i ordered the same item, matcha soft-serve on top of matcha chiffon cake with mochi and some other things. we found a bench to sit on outside while diggnig in, happy and hungry. as soon as i sat down, a spider landed on top of my food.. i squealed and hastily scooped the spider out with my spoon and flung it onto the sidewalk, green splotches on concrete with a tiny eight-legged creature crawling away. scared and silly! alex went into the cafe and got me another spoon as i tried to clean out my cup of any spider-contaminated bits. i continued eating after that, then alex suggested we go to a park.
we weren't in a familiar area, floating in uncharted waters and strange fields. ares parked in front of a soccer field full of children playing and happy parents watching on. we walked quite a lot, passing cars and strange pathways, ending up in a cute area with picnic tables, a tennis court, and a gazebo. i played strawberry switchblade out loud on my phone the entire time we spent walking! alex asked me to play their cover of dolly parton's 'jolene.' sweet floral scents in the air, surrounded by verdant towering trees with their leaves jostling in the wind. my abdomen ached as i felt woozy from bloodloss, my connection to strawberry switchblade growing in realtime.
tib wanted to go into the forest but i was cramping a bit and wasn't comfortable with walking further since we already had to walk all the way back too, so we started heading back. i continued playing strawberry switchblade the entire way back.

i stopped in my tracks and smelled the distinct aroma of honesuckle. i asked ares if he smelled it too, but he wasn't sure. i looked around, and lo and behold, a honeysuckle bush was directly to my right, around the corner! ah, how wonderful, i know that smell so well! i felt proud of myself and ran to the bush to pluck the flowers off and extract their sweet nectar. ares stayed by my side at the honeysuckle bush as alex and tib continued walking. i felt blood between my legs as i rubbed honeysuckle nectar on my fingers. honeysuckle, matcha chiffon, menstrual blood, late spring heat, affection. it really is dreamy, isn't it?

for tib's upcoming birthday, ares and i went to the record store and got him ethiopian jazz-funk cassette tapes and a shirt. i think he'll really like it, or, at least, i hope so, haha..

after leaving the record store, ares and i got greek food and watched a short film by lav diaz called 'the day before the end,' about people in the philippines in the future preparing for a great flood. after that, we finally watched a movie i had been wanting to watch with him for a very long time: 'the puffy chair' (2005) by andrew bujalski. quintessential mumblecore. we both liked it, but i was slightly surprised he liked it as much as he did since he tends to dislike movies that rely on a lot of dialogue, but i suppose he only really dislikes that when it's done in the style of rohmer..? we got our cameras and shot the moon through the tall window in his living room.

4/24/21

i'm testing jasmin et cigarette by etat libre d'orange on my skin right now. at first, it was incredibly spicy in the sense of cumin and turmeric, like an eastern spice shop, quickly giving way to a more animalic sensibility--sweat, sebum, unwashed hair, and so on. the heart of the scent is smoke, through and through, but vaguely sweet nonetheless since it's tobacco and not specifically incense or gunpowder. the sweetness amps up further into wearing it, but this is with the help of apricot and jasmine petals! yes, such nice fruity-fresh sweetness mingling with the smoke, dirt, and flowers. it's nice! poor alex bought a sample of this but hated how it smelled on her skin, claiming it smelled only like stale cigarettes and smoker's breath..

alex was playing 'genius of love' by tom tom club for her family, and her mother said the vocalist sounded like me, haha! i've been listening to it on repeat all evening.

4/23/21

ares ended up deciding to come see tib and alex with me yesterday, but not until a bit after i had hung out with them without him. before ares decided to come, we got greek food and ate huge bowls of rice, various vegetables, falafel, and laffah bread. alex wanted to get tea, but neither of us wanted to decide where to go, so we flipped a digital coin which chose gong cha. i plan on bringing alex to a nearby matcha cafe sometime soon. i've never had proper matcha tea, sadly my experience with matcha is limited to matcha-flavored goodies, but everything i have had in the realm of matcha has been wondrous.. i bet alex would like the tea, but the cafe also has an abundance of matcha confections on their menu like cakes and cookies as well.

after having eaten, we went to the mall, tea-in-hand. alex and i went to find a perfume that someone on depop sprayed onto clothing alex bought, since she smelled them and loved it. we found it but she said it didn't smell quite the same, but i adored it.. i also tried a couple of rose fragrances that i quite liked. alex tried to convince me to allow her to buy me a candle that i liked a lot, but i didn't let her.

i had been to lush a countless amount of times in my life, but i had never tested more than one of their perfumes until yesterday. they were incredibly strong and highly concentrated, shockingly so, really. it was hard to tell what was wearable and what wasn't due to how sharp and pungent most were upon spraying. i sprayed 'rose jam' on the back of my hand since i already knew i was fond of that one, then i reached for 'lust' and sprayed it on a paper testing strip. the liquid is dark orange and stained the white testing strip. instantly, i am punched in the face with a severely, yet intoxicatingly, feral indolic jasmine. alex recoiled upon smelling it, which i understood, but i remained fascinated, and drawn to it.. yes, yes, as it dried down it became more and more seductive, warm, sweet, and playful. i need it! angel of jasmine, whispering come hither.

alex and i lost tib after he left to find a bathroom, but after calling him a few times we found him inside of a belk as we ogled the tom ford perfumes while talking to one of the workers. i absolutely adored 'tubereuse nue,' but for that price, hah, no way. maybe i will end up purchasing a small decant sometime soon. we talked to the employee for a long time. she was a jo malone rep so, naturally, she took us over to the jo malone section and entertained us with a constant flow of samples, one after the other. she told us to never take anything from anyone and that just because we don't wear makeup doesn't mean people can mistreat us, ha. she pointed to her eyes above her mask and said "look, i don't wear makeup!" she said that no matter how rich or poor customers are, they act entitled. she made conversation about our respective hometowns, and she was familiar with mine, much to my surprise.
funnily enough, she misgendered alex at first, assuming she was male, which made me feel somewhat defensive and guarded, but the woman was quite nice and it was clear she was trying to get a proper read on alex's gender since she was in a peacoat, a button-up shirt, and jeans, plus she has very short hair now. the woman addressed us with "how can i help you ladies today? or, lady and gentleman?" i winced and said politely corrected her, saying, "we're both ladies, haha!" and she said "well, i'm just, i, i try." later into the conversation, she said she had assumed alex and i were siblings.
tib drove alex and i to the parking lot enclosed by buildings and a fence near my condo and we waited for ares. he showed up a few minutes after we parked. i opened the car door and ran to him sitting in the driver's seat of his own car to hug him. his phone had a google search pulled up on it which read "hat is lumpy," and i giggled. he was wearing the temple OS hat i bought him for his birthday last year and had tried looking up why it doesn't fit him as well as he would like it to. the casio keyboard i lent to him indefinitely sat in the passenger seat, and when tib walked over to ares' car he spotted it. ares carried it to the area between the two cars and demonstrated various scales to tib. tib and alex got their hands on the keyboard and went wild, playing so freely and wildly, and despite the fact that neither of them are trained in music, it still felt fun to listen to. i discreetly grabbed my disposable camera from my purse and took a photo of tib and alex with the keyboard, heh, i'm excited to see how this roll turns out eventually..

alex said she wanted to go to a park, but most of them were closed. she found one that was open but said it looked boring. i suggested that we go to a bakery for some sweets and that we eat them in the park, so even if it's barren we could have a lovely time eating surrounded by trees and the city under the evening sky. alex agreed, and off we went to a french bakery!
tib played the casio on the entire car ride to the bakery. the ride was cozy, with the keyboard-playing providing a nice ambiance--friends, friends, friends, in the night.. we made it to the bakery, and ahh, what a lovely place, with their kitsch interior of blue pinstripe walls and chandeliers made of various objects like wooden spoons. alex and i got mixed berry tarts and chocolate mousse cups with raspberries inside! yay! tib and alex both got coffee, and ares got rose lemonade. i tried the rose lemonade inside of the bakery, and it was quite good, but it mostly tasted like fruit punch instead of rose..

on the way to the park, alex i ended up eating all of our pastries in the car! ah, pardon my eagerness.. once arrived, the chilly air froze me into reluctance, wanting to stay in the car. alex offered her coat to me, but i declined, so embarrassed and ashamed i am. she insisted, adding that her coat was scented with le labo's 'rose 31,' urging me to smell it. as i had hoped and expected, the scent was lovely. my heart was warmed, and i really did need more layers, so i put the coat on. i felt a lot better with it, of course, and very cared for.
upon exiting the car we were met with a quaint wooden bridge built over a flowing river. crossing it led to huge concrete tunnels, covered in ivy and flowers. of course, we were all drawn to it.. ares played the casio as tib squatted to photograph the tunnel and some graffiti beside of it on a wall above the river. i felt my heart swell with love for everyone as i photographed them. we ran away and up steps and inclines to a higher area with swings. alex played songs by earth, wind, and fire, and kool and the gang on her phone as we all danced away and sang. the boys tried to play the casio along to the music as alex and i hopped onto one of the swinging benches. ares took photos of us on my phone, and i looked so happily deranged in them! (the words happily deranged together remind me of polaris--you're looking happily deranged...hey sandy, aye aye aye aye..)

the next day, ares messaged me saying that he was getting ready to finish up work so he could pick me up, and i scrambled to prepare. we sat outside for an hour or two, just talking, enjoying each other's company. we watched two birds hop around together, scavenging for crumbs under the tables. i felt sad that there weren't many in sight. the birds seemed happy regardless, well, perhaps i'm projecting onto them but i'd like to think that is the case. one of the birds was particularly plump and rotund, what a cutie he was. he made several laps around the tables then flew away in the end..
ares asked if i had makeup on my eyes because the waterline appeared so pink, but no, my eyes are always like that. it almost scares me a bit at times, the skin underneath my bottom lash line is so pink and purple! and of course, my dark circles, and the dark spots dotting on the outer corner of my eyes.. i always look a little sleepy and pallid.

we got back into his car and he drove around aimlessly. eventually, he parked outside of a church in an area surrounded by trees. i thought of various jens lenkman lyrics. my pale skin scented with hints of raspberry, datura, and patchouli, covered in mon paris by yves saint laurent. the windows of the car were fogged from our breath, prompting me to use my finger to draw a heart with angel wings and a halo. we danced and sang together as a car pulled in near us, causing us to duck, but we continued goofing off regardless. two people got out of the car, walked around, then got back in. ares stopped ducking and began proudly dancing with his head high in the air, staring at the couple then looking back at me. the car slowly drove toward us, stopping periodically, then driving away just as slowly as before. ares and i laughed as we continued. despite my embarrassment, i felt on top of the world.

we calmed down and i smiled at him in my 'end US imperialism' shirt and tights.
"did you feel god in the air?" i asked as we drove off. i thought of 'soul train' by mikel rouse from dennis cleveland.

4/20/21

yesterday, i read an entire book by robert jensen in one sitting, 'getting off: pornography and the end of masculinity.' what a bleak but necessary book.

ares told me he was going to take me to a vegan restaurant nearby. i felt bashful, grateful.. we had never gone to a vegan restaurant together before, and he clearly had his mind set on this in order to liven my spirits. i told him that we didn't have to go to a vegan restaurant, that i could eat anywhere, but he insisted and said he's always down for some vegan food. he took me to a lovely little place, though it felt a bit hoity-toity, and that was certainly reflected in the food itself. it was nice, pretty, and healthy, but lacking in character. by this, i mean that i wanted junk food--haha! the food was good, and we sat outside watching birds hop around under tables eating crumbs as we talked. i periodically found myself smiling so hard at him it was borderline painful. synergetic features. head swimming.

we left the restaurant and got into his car. we smiled and laughed, listening to music and watching foliage rustle in the wind. a man around my age was studying in a window above us.
"look, he's studying," i said.
"oh, poor guy," he said.

mrs. robinson by simon & garfunkel played, gratitude and warmth surging through my chest.

4/19/20

i was ogled in public today. i walked to test perfume, 'moscow mule' by juliette has a gun, then strolled around a bit for fun, going in and out of shops. i grew tired, the heat became overwhelming and i was wearing long sleeves, covering my whole body, so i began to head back home. i stopped at a crosswalk as two men around my age stood across the street. they stared at me and smiled then kept walking, strange but not too questionable; but then they continued to turn around and stop to look directly at me more. they made remarks to each other, pointed at me, making lewd gestures. i felt dehumanized, and i have been so deeply sickened as of late, i couldn't restrain myself from making rude gestures back to them and kept my head down as i crossed the street. i immediately regretted this, because they started snickering and i grew terrified that they might follow me, plus i felt terribly petulant and evil just for that. tears streamed down my face as i walked. i felt like a non-person. i hate feeling this way. i want to rip it out of me. i don't want to feel scared of men, i don't want to feel like i am an object in their eyes. i don't want any of this. i don't want to resent people, i don't want to fear them. i don't want it. i just want harmony. i want to be seen as human. i want all women to be seen as human.