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7/17/21

i dreamt i walked to a family dollar to buy snacks. i shoplisted a few of them. it's interesting how i've never once shoplifted but i dream of it at least once a week. upon exiting the market i called george on my phone and we talked as i tried to make my way home. i realized i took the plastic shopping basket with me outside of the store as i found a path leading to the woods. i stumbled upon a rural area, communal and full of both sincere farmers and tryhard "trad" guys. i detailed the sights to george on the phone as i walked around. he got angry at most of the people living there for their insincere lifestyle aspirations in the name of narcissistic self-reassurance and contrived masculinity, and told me about how this particular type of regression is only progression for the worst people. one of the older men living in this area gave me fresh bread, milk, and eggs.

7/11/21

i dreamt i had apple cider vinegar gummies in my closet and got robert smith's phone number, which i used solely to ask him if he liked the decemberists, i suppose since i was listening to them in the car recently poking fun at the 2000s hipster obsession with the latter half of the 19th century and whale hunting.

7/8/21

i dreamt i was at ares' family's house. his parents were on vacation, and suddenly all kinds of people showed up for a party we did not want. i exited the guest room to find emilia on a mattress, smoking cannabis. she laid there, smiling, with orange eyeliner on and orange painted toenails. i complimented her and she thanked me, then offered me weed. i went from room to room trying to find peace and quiet.

7/6/21

i dreamt i was with two people, i think george and someone else, maybe autumn. we stayed the night in the woods by a park nearby. they both quickly lost their minds, acting bizarre, chewing on wood, speaking incoherently, writhing around--utterly feral. i couldn't figure out why. they did whatever they wanted, acting on sheer impulse, but most of it didn't make any sense at all. i found someone i went to middle school with named james in the woods and he had water for me to give them. they went swimming in a river as i anxiously watched them, hoping they didn't hurt themselves or each other. they came up and i gave them the water and they were grateful. i managed to get them into the car to them back home, where they were finally normal again.

7/4/21

i dreamt that a famous techno dj bought several tapes from shams, and convinced all of his successful friends to do the same. shams and i spent time together in a victorian-style cemetery park, gothic and languid.

6/28/21

i dreamt i walked into a mall with ares and alex. we went into the downstairs area, but it was more like a basement. it was filled with a massive snake. huge. deadly. we watched a crowd of male animal control workers attempt to wrangle it, and then the dream turned bad. someone died as i cowered in a corner with ares and alex. lots of blood. my dreams are rarely bloody, i felt unnerved and scared. i then dreamt that ares and i attended a wedding together which was full of people i used to know. i stumbled a lot as i walked in laps around the venue, looking for ares. a large projector screen was set up and i found ares nearby, trying to convince the weddinggoers to watch star trek.

6/25/21

i dreamt i feasted upon pizza with tib and alex, a grand dinner outside, plenty of fun and smiling.

6/23/21

i dreamt that i was all over new york city with various people, all donned in the old american apparel style, singing 2009 indie zeitgeist songs by phoenix and mgmt, along with kesha. i bought beer for megan the super star princess and ran around parking decks with her and tao lin. felt so real. i then dreamt that a guy from my childhood named braxton invited me to lunch in dubai. the sky was so orange and dusty, off in the distance. we sat together as i ate fancy crumbly chocolates a waiter brought out. he began stroking my hand and i realized he thought it was a date, despite his being nothing but platonic and friendly until that moment. i panicked and left, retreating to an elevator leading me to a strange school-like lobby. hugger was there, and he came over to sit with me and we made small talk. he started to get way too close to me and i was uncomfortable. he started pinching me and climbing onto me, his body weight crushing me preventing me from moving as i cried out begging for him to stop and leave me alone, which he ignored. i managed to run away.

6/20/21

i dreamt that i shoplifted a set of margiela perfume after making my way through a maze-like lush store, which had a maximum occupancy of one.

6/17/21

i dreamt of braiding my hair.

6/16/21

dreamt yet again about slathering on hair dye..

6/14/21

i dreamt that i sprayed oud satin mood by maison francis kurkdjian on alex and told her it smells best from afar, explaining that up-close it is overwhelmingly strong and reeks of synthetic benzoin and hints of heady amber, but from a distance it shines and smells like sweet roses and vanilla, slightly medicinal but wondrously so. i raved to her and exclaimed kurkdjian has perfected the art of sillage.

6/12/21

i dreamt that i acquired a block of henna dye by lush. i boiled bits of the block which developed into a thick paste as i stirred, attempting to smoothen the chunks out of the mixture. i lugged the pot into my room upstairs and headed for the bathroom before slathering my hair with the dark muddy paste. my dreams have been especially topical and reflective of certain neuroses i harbor as of late. i am not going to dye my hair, i am not going to paint my eyelashes, i am not going to twist and contort god's will and make vampiric wallets fatter for the sake of comfortable vanity.

6/7/21

i dreamt i was in a hospital with [redacted]. he tried to tell me everything bad i've experienced at his hands was my fault and i shouldn't have willingly stuck around while i was so young, naive, and stupid in the first place. he became angrier by the second and demanded a lawyer while storming off into the emergency room as i sat lonely, waiting around, the words of roland barthes echoing through my head: "the lover's fatal identity is precisely: i am the one who waits." i could hear [redacted] screaming at a female receptionist and saying terrible things about me, ranging from sadistic falsehoods to humiliating and sensitive truths. he thrashed around destroying the room yelling, as if all the stories of violent outbursts from his childhood were resurrected and amplified by what i have witnessed first-hand in waking life, all as i glanced through a glass window in horror.

i dreamt my cousin was reported as dead all over again. i sobbed hysterically, violently, all alone and painfully sore all over. i visited his house and looked through the hallways and cried, moaning and whining like the time i was left alone after spending 24 hours with someone for the first time, singing sister ray in a bathtub. in my cousin's house, i approached the staircase to the basement, and through the banister, i saw him. there he was, on a bed. my cousin was alive and i slowly approached him. silently, i laid in a bed with him listening to 'birds in the ground' by eiafuawn on speakers as we talked for what felt like hours, his fingertips circling my skin delicately with such cautious and diligent attention. i understood he was going to try to kill himself that evening so i did my very best to try to be good and warm, hoping that i could change the course of history. he stayed alive for as long as i was there in the dream, without vanishing or dying like he usually does in my dreams of him. we sifted through his cassette collection together. a few were shattered and destroyed. i asked him what happened to them and he nervously deflected, inclining me to infer he destroyed them. we went to the mountainous hills of my grandparents' house and ran around looking for honeysuckle and blackberries together, spinning, dancing, smiling under the sunlight through the hills above the horse stable, reenacting childhood memories and full of euphoric wonder.

6/6/21

i was at my grandparents' house and saw athena in the guest bathroom which was much larger than it is in reality. she tried to convince me to try out her tattoo guns on rinds of oranges, like tattoo artists do as practice when first starting out. [redacted]'s grandmother walked into the house out of nowhere, out of of the front door and into the kitchen. she was on the phone being given instructions by [redacted] on how to hurt me. i began to scream and beg her to leave, and she left. i ran to the door and tried to lock it to keep her away, but i couldn't find a lock, so i held on tightly to the door knob and pulled in my direction so it couldn't be opened as easily. his grandmother returned, but he was with her. they tried getting in and my arms were too weak to keep up the desperate pushing and pulling. i woke up shaking and sweating.

6/3/21

i dreamt i was at my grandparents' house and sean from kentucky was there, but he was upset with me because his friend group doesn't like me, because i disliked a specific person he knew and i called her friend pathetic due to being in a loveless marriage built on his lies to his wife, who deserves better than a man not in love with her and upset that she's pregnant. anyway i was there with him and his cat turnip. he had copies of a book he and his friends were apparently making, filled with their art. glossy pages of high-quality prints and poetry. ifelt embarrassed and as i flipped through the book because i've already brought myself shame by annoying he and his friends, and viewing others' works of art so rapidly one after the other felt so vulgar, like i was doing each piece and person a disservice. i felt ashamed and awkward so i walked away and stood in the laundry room and poured a glass of water but heard on the news a room over that the drinking water in town was bad, which prompted me to dumped the water out. i returne to sean. my grandparents began fighting and i delicately tiptoed through the house to avoid them as Sean angrily asked me what i was doing.

5/25/21

i dreamt a woman my age in my mother's house was beaten by a man and began seizing as i tried calling 911 to help her.

5/24/21

i dreamt i got a nose job done by a transgender man. on the first day, immediately after the procedure, my nose was simply gone and i was left with a slit in my face where my nostrils once were, like a coin slot, a concave bridge. i hated it and felt horrified, wishing i had simply kept my original nose. i was absolutely mortified and overcome with regret. the next day, within the dream, my nose looked "normal," but didn't suit my face at all. a little sloped piggy fairy nose, everything i despise but so many people seem to covet. my facial harmony was destroyed and i wanted my own nose back so badly. i felt corrupt and contaminated for tampering with myself. i tried waking myself up multiple times and testing if it was a dream, which didn't work, so it felt incredibly real.

5/22/21

i dreamt that ares and i went to publix in the middle of the night. i stole groceries and departed from ares because i knew he would want to pay for the groceries, but i felt too guilty to let him do that. i awkwardly made my way through a labyrinthine parking deck, grey, cold, steel, concrete, cold. fluorescent lights surrounded me, eerily sterile whiteness. security guards eyed me down and i nervously fiddled with the sleeves and pockets of a large black coat i was wearing. netting encircled the tall parking deck as if i were living in an amerian propaganda article about china.

5/17/21

last night i had a strange dream that my entire school was attending a screening for the french film 'a ma soeur' ('fat girl). i was deeply disgusted by this film, and to be honest, somewhat traumatized. i barged into the door of the theater and crashed the screening. i was being so belligerent and annoying, shouting about how disgusting the film is, how their pretentious soliloquies about subversion were cheap masturbatory ways of feeling cerebral and dignified for acknowleding female suffering, even at its most exploitative and base in fiction. i got kicked out and everyone began mocking me, but i stood by what i said. i couldn't give up, i couldn't! i snuck into the projector room and knocked everything over with such a grand smile. i hate that film!

5/10/21

i dreamt i was staying with my father but went into an art museum with tib, alex, and ares. it was tropical, like a zoo, filled with lush green plants and covered in ivy. tib and alex forgot their masks at home. alex berated tib for forgetting their 'covid bag' and tib insisted it was her fault. we went into an elevator and tib smoked a cigarette as we were lifted up. we ended up leaving fairly soon, and for some reason i spent the rest of the dream vomiting noodles into a bowl. mad uncomfy.

5/8/21

i dreamt i was in a record store with ares and i asked for a cigarette from his shirt pocket. neither of us have ever smoked a cigarette, so this is quite funny to me. i held the cigarette between my lips while in the record store, then went into the mall with him where i finally took a drag. i felt instantly lightheaded and dizzy but euphoric, like being drunken from sleepiness.

5/4/21

i dreamt that my brother was in a fatal car accident and i lost my marbles trying to cope with it.

5/2/21

i dreamt i was getting ready to swim at my cousin's house. i put on my swimsuit, and in response i got harassed by men calling me a slut for wearing a swimsuit, despite it covering my whole chest and torso, and so on. i felt dehumanized, rendered an object, for simply wanting to go swimming. ares came and we picked up tib and alex and swam together. my swimsuit was a tad too big for me. i told alex that my waist size is 23. she started to scream and said her waist size is 26.

4/25/21

i dreamt that i tried agent provocateur's eponymous perfume and was overjoyed. in the dream, it smelled similar to 'not a perfume' by juliette has a gun, a synthetic musk overload with hints of sweetness, but agent provocateur was more rosy, sensual, and erotic.

4/23/21

i dreamt about visitng my grandparent's house to find a rich asian housewife who was now living there. she had little kids who were running around, and she seemed to love them quite a lot. the woman was so loving and nice, to the point i felt envious of her children for being able to grow up in such a lovely environment. she talked a lot about her life with me, painting a pretty picture, idyllic and pristine. it began to storm. i looked at the panels in the ceiling and noticed some were pink, blue, and yellow. this felt significant but i wasn't able to figure out why. the storm turned into a cyclone and alarms began to go off from across town. we evacuated into the basement, which, for some reason, had glass walls and allowed us to see outside instead of being surrounded by dirt. the rain stopped and the wife went outside through a door in the basement and kneeled down in front of a river current. she called her husband and fought with him. she had a disposable camera and shoved it into the water while crying on the phone saying, "i know what i saw." she scooped river water into her hands and forced herself to drink it then vomited into the river, as if this was her method of staying thin and a way to cope with stress from her husband. her children yelled at her from inside, "mommy don't do that!" i was equal parts terribly sad and horrified. she hit herself as her husband laughed at her on the phone, then she grabbed the disposable and tried to take a photo of herself, smiling with mascara running down her cheeks.

4/19/21

i dreamt i was at a breakfast restaurant with tib, alex, and ares, sitting at a table together. a very large and intimidating guy, overweight and tall, came over and started talking to me. i was deeply uncomfortable. he kept asking if i have a nice behind, if i was having a good day, if i was happy with my friends, if i wanted him, and so on. he sat down with us and my entire body tensed up. i saw an older man pass by our table, so i reached out and said "hey papa!" before grabbing his hand, leaving the table, and going into a corner with this man. i pretended he was my father to escape the intimidating man, then once we were away from the table, i explained to him i was scared and felt trapped by the man at the table. i dabbed la colle noire by christian dior on the back of my hands.

4/16/21

i dreamt i went clubbing with all of my friends for the first time. there was a strict 'NO MASKS' rule in place, but i wore one regardless. i danced my heart out to sleazy music without a care in the world, surrounded by people, smelling perfumes in the air and identifying them, but sadly an employee dragged me out because i was wearing a mask.

4/14/21

i dreamt that george and i were living together. in the dream, i was sleeping in a room across from george's room. he got up in the middle of the night, and this woke me up in the dream. he was going to his mother's room but noticed he woke me up, so he came into my room and sat on my bed as i wrothe around and sleepily made sounds of confusion. he tucked me in. later, i went to my old high school. an organ was being played in a church by the football field, reminiscent of aine o'dwyer. my mother came to take me to her house, and was quite angry with me for indiscernible reasons. i was put on a plane to france after staying in a strange pod-like hotel similar to what jonas stayed in during his visit to thailand, except the holes in the wall in my dream were more like sterile, white cubbies filled with a bunk bed. i scrambled to get my things together and packed. through the crowds while trying to board the plane, i saw people i grew up with and felt a little embarrassed. my anxiety before the plane was manageable, but i eventually used an oxygen mask on the plane because i felt suffocated on takeoff.

3/23/21

i woke up at 4 am from a dream, a terrible one.. i had a false awakening, i woke up beside of [redacted] in the dream, in a hammock in a very bohemian sort of sun room. he smiled so warmly and brightly, like a child. he looked younger, and not damaged and depressed, truly happy and beaming with pure joy, not a trace of depravity or misery in sight. i felt so full of love, so overjoyed, because he seemed sincerely happy and pure, without pain and any twisted or harmful desires. the feeling was so lovely, so wonderful. i felt my trauma and worries melt away. i stared him in the eyes as i teared up at how brightly he smiled, he felt like like a newborn glowing in his purity. he slowly got out of the hammock and his face began to contort into an angry, dark expression. he began throwing hammers at me, aiming for my face, screaming obscenities at me and saying i ruined him.
i woke up in a panic, and had to rush into the bathroom because the dream made me feel so sick. i felt dizzy and confused. i don't even remember going back to bed, but i did. i woke up again at 10 am with a horrible stomachache, then started my period. phew. well, that explains last night's persistent crying and ruminating on death, and perhaps the nightmare i had..